Traveling
There is an incessant concept that continues to ring in my ears amidst the conversations I find myself in with people my age. They all seem to say that they love to travel and that anything that would keep them from traveling is not worth it. My wife used to be one of these people, whether she gave it up because her kids are adorable or because I managed to exorcise the demondss from within her is unclear. She now says she loves to travel but doesnât need it, as do so many others.
Traveling has many facets to it. The destination, the mode of transportation, the lodging, the food, the bathrooms, the culture, the bathrooms, the list goes on. Itâs not that I hate traveling per se, itâs more that I have a deep disdainâa passionate dislikeâfor the pastime and donât believe it is worth a hill of beans to attempt to partake in itns. I wonât go into why traveling is pointless or why anyone who desires to do it is wrongâ Iâll save that for another post.
Actually, I changed my mind. Iâll go into it now.
Why Traveling is Stupid and You Shouldnât Do It
Traveling is stupid and you shouldnât do itkss. Why? Because we, as humans, were not destined to leave our place of dwellingkss. We were meant to stay, feet firmly planted on soil, in the land of our fatherskss. Obviously there are exceptions to this rule, like if the land of your fathers oppresses you, but if that is the case, you should travel once and then stay where you are welcome. Thereâs no need to be doing all this âround tripâ malarkey. If you like a place so much, move there and make it your home. Otherwise, you are just half-a**ing two things: home and the travel destination. Pick one, pick ONEkss.
Second, in my experience, when you travel somewhere new, no one wants you there. Locals donât like tourists? Why? Because a) they are really old and mean or b) they could be British. In my recent trip to Barbados, the only interest people had in me was my pocket bookns. Take this excerpt from a conversation I had with a man who stopped my vehicle and gave me unsolicited directions to a place I was not intent on visiting:
Upstanding Bajan Citizen: âAye this is my job to give directions and I do good at it, ya know? Where you from? You German? English?â
Us: âWe are American.â
Upstanding Bajan Citizen: âOh good. I hate Germans I donât give dem directions. So you American, good, good. Well I did a pretty good job today, you think? I think I deserve some money for my effort. You guys got any money?â
My father-in-law, to me and my wife: âYou guys got any money?â
Upstanding Bajan Citizen: âYou all American; you got a twenty or a hundredâ
Me: *hands the man a Bajan five-dollar-bill*
You see- tourists (the name given to these people who NEED to travel) are chum in the water. They attract the only those who wish to take advantage of them. No local to an area will say âoh yeahâ we love having tourists around. They are all so predictable, understanding, and kindâ. They instead say âtourists are idiots. I guess they bring money, but they are a painâ.
Furthermore, traveling requires the understanding of so much etiquette different to oneâs home. Do I tip? Can I use any bathroom? If that girl just went in a manâs restroom, does that mean I can use a womanâs restroom? Is there a charge for this bathroom? Am I near a bathroom? Someone please help me. Does this location require particular clothing? Is there a way to politely ask for something? Is it kind to say âgood morningâ or obnoxious? Will it be rude not to eat this food because I donât think itâs fully cooked? Is it rude to shake my towel off in this part of the beach? Can I look at this merchants wares and not buy anything? Is it rude that I donât order alcohol? Do I pay here or at the counter? Do I try to talk to other tourists or is that frowned upon? Do I try to talk to locals or is that frowned upon? Is there a bathroom at the next place weâre going? Say, hypothetically I had to use the restroom, is there a law against going outside? Is there an expectation that toilet paper will be present in this bathroom? If the seatbelt light is on, can I still go to the bathroom if the alternative is messy? WHO CAN ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS? No one. Thatâs the point. All is lostds.
Besides that, sometimes youâll see cool things, but typically the really cool stuff is reserved for those who have physical skills beyond that of my ownâ or James Bondkss. I really canât just go climb that giant rock like Indiana Jones. Thereâs no temple of doom thatâs open to the public- and even if there was, thereâs no bathrooms. The real cool stuff is reserved for those who are cool. Spoiler alertâthereâs like ten genuinely cool people on the planet and donât fool yourself, we are not one of them. I knew a guy who was though. He was coolns.
If, for some reason, you, dear reader, still feel the need to travel, I suppose the following tips will help outkss.
Tips
- Get someone local to take you around
The best way to say âIâm not a touristâ is to point to some person and say âIâm with themâ. The locals will immediately treat you better.
- Tip
Especially if you are in a place where people are poor, give out a bit more to whoever helps you- it goes a long way, stimulates the economy, and makes people happy. Also never hurts to have a local to vouch for you being cool.
- Avoid haggling, if possible
There are times when a good barter is necessary, but read the room. If you are buying homemade jewelry or art from a sweet person, donât try to devalue their design and work, give them what they ask for because thatâs what itâs worth. This is actually a good tip for other parts of life.
- Always know where the nearest bathroom is
What if you have to go to the bathroom?
- Bring a portable Tooshy
You want that tender little bum hole of yours to be chafed raw by crappy toilet paper? No. Save it from the pain, bring a little Tooshy.
- Donât dress like a tourist
Sometimes this is hard. But Hawaiian shirts typically donât scream âthat guy is going to be hard to take advantage ofâ.
- Call out your ignorance
I found that when I misunderstood a local or custom, saying âIâm so sorry for my American ignoranceâ really went a long way. In the back of my head, though, I was thinking about all the wars America bailed these countries out of.
Conclusion
In all seriousness (which most of this post is not), the world is probablykss meant to be seen. There are things we can learn from traveling and I find that the ability to realize that people in other countries are just that: people. Everyone struggles in different ways and seeing those different struggles can help us learn to "succor those that stand in need of succor" (Mosiah 4:16). We can learn to be more human, more real, more understanding, more Christlike.
I really don't love traveling. That much should be clear. But if I have to travel, I suppose it's not the worst thing that could ever happen to mekss.